Mistakes and Stories

Still sick, still cranky 🙂

I’m not enjoying this so much anymore, maybe a personal blog just isn’t for me.  Maybe blogging isn’t for me.  I make the same mistakes a lot.  That’s probably why I made a second blog 🙂  I tend to do that in all areas of my life.  Repeat the same mistakes, such as trusting people that I shouldn’t.  People that don’t deserve it.  I tend to not realise what I’m doing til after the job is done as it were.  But I suppose that could be classed as a mistake too.  I have a really bad habit of only seeing the good sides in people.  It’s sort of life fooling myself but not completely because all along, deep down, I know what they’re really like.  In fact, I don’t generally trust people overall, but when I do, I trust too much and I’m nearly always mistaken.

I worry about the sort of personality I have.  What is it that attracts me to people who are not so nice, what is it that makes me turn a blind eye to the worst type of people?  I’m like one of those women that always end up with abusive men, except with me it’s friends 🙂

Seriously, it sounds kind of odd even as I’m writing it but my whole life, I’ve been the same.  It’s part of why I don’t find it easy to trust people in general…I trust the wrong sort of people too easily.  I’m the one who gives of myself and I’m the one who always gets hurt.  Although when it comes down to it, maybe I’m the same sort of person myself.  I can hurt when I want to, I’m not completely defenseless after all.  But I don’t hurt for nothing.  I only hurt…back.  I think I’m using this blog as a way to vent how I’m feeling at the time, that’s why my blogs tend to veer from hyper to depressed, I think.

So, my blog reminds me of bad things and maybe that’s why I’m not so keen of it anymore.  I suppose that looking back hurts in a way.  I tend to be quite vague about how I’m feeling.  I generalise, don’t give that many details so in essence it could be a million and one things that are bothering me.  I like to hold back a bit so I don’t give out the whole story but maybe I should.  It might help.  It might not so blah.  🙂

I write.  I’m not a good writer by any stretch of the term but I still write nonetheless.  Isn’t that wierd?  I’m the type of person that feels like if I’m not the best, I stop. What’s the point if I’m not the best?  I used to be quite musical, I even played the clarinet amongst other things.  I loved it, I mean really loved it, it was one thing I loved doing above anything else.  But.  Big but.  I was forced to take part in a sort of mess competition, nothing serious, just amongst others in my class.  It wasn’t even for the clarinet.  But I don’t take tests well.  I’m just not physically able to perform well in exams.  So this is what happened.  And I gave up every single instrument I played.  Just stopped.  And that was it. 

That’s sort of the way I am with people.  I just…stop.  And that’s it.  They don’t exist in my world anymore.  They are no longer good enough to be on my radar.  That sounds really wierd but in my head it isn’t like that.  They’re just gone, and that’s it.  No getting back from that.  The one thing I’m not like that about is writing.  I’ll never be a great writer, I’ll never be a good writer but it’s something I still enjoy doing.  I’m still trying to work that one out.  Why is that the one thing that bypasses my unspoken rules? 

I have no idea, maybe I’m mad eccentric but whatever, it works for me so why change the habit of a lifetime, right?  Right?  No?  Shut up…. 🙂


4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    SoggyCelebs said,

    I think you’re a good writer.

    I mean… look how subtly you fish for compliments 😀

  2. 2

    clairec23 said,

    Duh, you don’t count 😛

  3. 3

    Blogging is therapy, right? Your blog is interesting because you’re just sharing your thoughts. Do you find it helps your emotionally? Mine does.

    I used to be really musical too. I played the flute (and a bit of keyboard and I sang) and my brother no.4 used to tease me about how when I got annoyed I would arch off upstairs and play my flute really loudly! Hardly the most suitably instrument for expressing anger, but it worked for me…

    Lately I’ve been teaching myself to play the guitar in the hope I might get some sort of peace from that too. Gotta start practising more first!

  4. 4

    clairec23 said,

    It is indeed. I tend to just say whatever is floating through my brain in that second, good or bad. In hindsight my blog is more than a bit depressing, I’m going to have to cheer the hell up. It does help me sort of focus my thoughts and move on from them so that’s a good thing.

    I always got the piss taken out of me for playing the recorder and clarinet. The clarinet is quite good at sounding narky, it’s deeper than the flute. I couldn’t practice as much as I liked cos my mother’s husband worked nights so I wasn’t allowed *makes petulant face*. I did go to guitar lessons when I was a kid but the bloke just disappeared one day so that was the end of that. He probably couldn’t take any more out of tune guitars 🙂

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