Confessions Of The Other Woman

I finished my 7 random facts meme instead of writing this post but I’m going to get rid of it now before I fall into another sleep that keeps me offline.  I’ve been really sick at the moment and haven’t been online much.  I’ve been reading blogs through my feeder mostly.  My first random fact was about this particular story.  By the way, certain things might be a bit uncomfortable reading, I haven’t written them yet but I’ve sort of promised myself not to hold back too much.  Fair warning!

 But anyway, not the point, the little I have been online, I’ve spent in a few places.  One is on Guilty Secret’s blog reading about her experiences with cocaine and I’ve also been on blogcatalog where I noticed a discussion about Being the Other Person.  I’ve replied to both in the negative – I can’t pat anyone on the back for doing coke or for helping somebody cheat.  But both of these pieces of writing reminded me of something in my past that I don’t talk about much.  There’s a lot in my past that I don’t talk about but this particular one is because I’m ashamed about something I did rather than something that was done to me.  There is a difference.

When I tell people this story, they don’t believe me because I’m “not that type of person” but apparently I am, or at least was.  Feel free to judge because I judge myself for it and rightly so.  It wasn’t nice and it wasn’t right and nothing I can say can make up for it.

 Once upon a time, I was 19 years old.  In some ways, I was street wise but in others I was pretty naive.  I didn’t think that people had ulterior motives for whatever they did.  I worked in a certain place that ran courses.  There was a high turnover of people but most of them stayed for up to six months at a time.  The job I had there, I got to know everyone’s name and most people knew me too.  I made friends with people, got close to people and learned a huge lesson from that.

I had a boyfriend, he lived far away from me and was about four years older than me.  He didn’t put much effort into spending time with me until it was too late so inevitably it ended messily.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer but I had already moved on.  Meanwhile a man started at my place of work, he was in his late 20’s at the time.  Very good looking man, charming with it but cocky, very cocky.  All of the girls and women in the building were mad after him, except me.

I did not like that man.  I made a snap judgement on him based on the few things I saw and disliked him intensely.  One day, he made some smarmy remarks to me and I told him out straight to give it over.  I even told him how much I disliked him.  I felt so bad because he looked like he’d been slapped in the face.  I’m always too honest about how I’m thinking but I really didn’t expect it to bother him of all people.  (And yes, I’m getting to my point)

From that day, he made it his mission to be nice to me.  For a couple of months he made excuses to be around me, he talked to me properly – without the sleaze or charm.  I started to like him, I thought that I had been wrong about him.  I was vulnerable and he was coercive in a non-obvious way.  We talked about our relationships.  I told him how badly things were going with my boyfriend and he told me how badly things were going with his girlfriend.  He advised me to end things and eventually I did. 

I found myself attracted to him, I admit that much but I was never a person to go after somebody who wasn’t available.  It took me a long time to even see him as a man if that makes sense.  A couple of people commented on him always being around me, it became a bit of a joke for a lot of people but I laughed it off, we were friends, can’t that be possible?

One day, I can’t remember what but I did something for him that helped him out in some way…he kissed me to say thanks and ran off.  I swear to God I didn’t expect that.  But it sort of opened up a can of worms.  I hung around near where he lived with a close friend of mine, I used to visit her and her baby a lot.  One time, shortly after that, he spotted me going home and gave me a lift.  He left me home and the tension was unreal.  I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn’t even think about that.  Once I went inside he texted me and asked me to go for a drive with him.  I said yes. 

We went on a long drive and ended up at the beach where we talked for about three hours.  He had a son that lived with him but the grandmother used to mind him at night.  We got on really well and I was really comfortable with him when he kissed me again, properly.  It was amazing, I love first kisses but I won’t go into that 🙂  Some people you just connect to in certain ways, everything they do is right and my mind went out the window.  I pulled away, told him to stop, he said sorry, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.  Eventually I gave up, gave in and that was that.

We used to go for drives a lot. At night, during my lunch break, weekends.  All we did was talk and have sex.  He was a lot more experienced than me…he took it easy with me, never tried to push anything onto me.  He was incredibly sweet for the most part.  He told me how he had cheated on his girlfriend lots of times, that she knew about it and that he didn’t want to be with her anymore.  I didn’t ask him why.  He told me how someone he had cheated with had told his girlfriend and he had tried to run her over with his car.  I actually thought he was joking.

He used to smoke hash a lot, because he had an accident that left him with pretty permanent back pain.  I didn’t approve of that of course but if it helped him with the pain, I couldn’t stop him.  He never forced me to sit there while he smoked hash, he always asked first but I started to feel bad for him having to be cold so I let it go in the end.  Sometimes he’d get moody, even a little bit scary and I realized he hadn’t been joking about running that girl over.  I wasn’t scared of what he’d do to me, but I knew that maybe sometimes he was capable of certain things.

I’m not telling this exactly right but I’ve never really said all the details before and I want to get them out.  Once his girlfriend rang him while he was with me and I made him take me home straight away.  Suddenly, she was a real person to me and the guilt cut through me.  But the next day, his words made me forget about her again.  A couple of times we spent the whole night together, I met his son, some of his family knew about me, his friends knew about me but it was still a secret.  I still don’t know why he took his son over to meet me. 

Anyway, I should say something here, when it came to sex, I wanted it a lot.  I enjoyed it immensely.  He couldn’t keep up with me.  I know I sound a bit nympho-tastic here but it wasn’t like that.  I realise now that although I enjoyed it, it wasn’t satisfying me, that’s why I wanted it so much.  But I loved the effect I had on him, I loved how he couldn’t resist even when he was late for something else.  I loved the power.  We used to do it as often as possible, even in my office once…And all the time, I didn’t think about the effect I was having on another person’s life.  So we spent nights together…I didn’t know it at the time but he was using coke like viagra.  We spent a certain night together and I was afraid of him all the way through it.  He was like an animal, the look in his eye freaked me out, he was so rough (and not in a good way!), I was bruised all over the next day.

It was only afterwards I copped on what the deal was with him…why he had been so aggressive…probably why he had tried to run that girl over.  His friend had been out with us and was selling coke while I was in the bathroom.  They never did it in front of me and they never offered me any.   He didn’t want that.  Make of that what you will.  But he had been taking drugs for so long that his mind was different.  It was really starting to affect him in the worst way.  I grew up in some of the worst parts of Dublin, went to school and even worked in them.  I’ve gotten used to the way people change when they’ve been taking any kind of drug long-term.  It’s just a sad fact at this stage.

He had a split personality, I ended up hated him while he was on anything.  I started to even dread him smoking a joint because I knew he would act differently afterwards.  He would switch from being a lovely, thoughtful, caring bloke to a monster that had no feelings whatsoever.  That was the cost of our nights out, realising that he didn’t care how he hurt people anymore.  He didn’t care what he was doing, I suppose that’s why cheating came so easily for him, he couldn’t feel guilt or remorse anymore.  I never wanted to go out with his friends again because of how he would be after it and I think he knew it himself in a way because he stopped.

So, I just want to point out that at this stage, I was crazy about this man, I wanted to turn a blind eye to the way he acted when he took drugs, I wanted to turn a blind eye to the girlfriend he had too.  He was the perfect boyfriend if you didn’t think about the aggressiveness when he took coke, the real girlfriend and the little psychotic episodes!  He was nice too though, he was the sweetest, nicest, funniest person around during the day.  Then I had a sort of pregnancy scare, I missed a pill, then my period didn’t arrive.  My friend made me tell him, just in case.   His first words to me were – “Nobody can know about this.”

The little bit of respect for him that I had was slowly dissolving.  I was a mess.  I couldn’t stay away from him and I couldn’t be with him because he was manipulating me a lot.  There are lots of other instances that I don’t want to get into.  So one day, we sat in the pub with my friends.  He kept telling people how beautiful I was, that I drove him crazy, all kinds of crap like that.  I had been slowly dealing with the fact that this man was not good for me and I had no future with him.  But he was so…I don’t know what the word is but I think I was addicted to him a little bit 🙂

Later that day he put his arm around me, kept whispering things to me.  He talked about love, he told me that the girlfriend was buying a house for her, him and his kid.  I told him he had better move then.  He asked me, “How can I move in with her when I’m in love with somebody else?”  That got to me.  I thought about his girlfriend, how she must really love him to be prepared to do that for him and his son.  I looked him straight in the eye and told him he wasn’t in love with anyone else.  It was just sex for him.  He got really offended but who knows if that was in any way “real”. 

We had a huge fight but I needed to do something more.  I needed to keep him away from me because I knew that was the only way it would end.  I couldn’t say no so he had to.  I didn’t want him using me as an excuse…I didn’t want him using me full stop.  So, and here’s another really horrible thing, I kissed another bloke in front of him.  That did it.

I didn’t want to but I felt like I had to.  I didn’t want to be the one fucking up that girl’s idea of a happy home.  And I didn’t want to be made to feel like it was all about love when it couldn’t have been.  Afterwards my friend told me that he said he hated me, wanted nothing to do with me, that how could I be with him and then kiss someone else?  So that’s my confession, although admitting it to the world of blogs doesn’t make it one iota better.  I willingly became the Other Woman.  I don’t know if he even felt anything for me, but I did for him.   But I am so glad I pulled away when I did.  I felt incredibly bad for the real girlfriend, I felt bad for her mostly because she was the one putting up with it all.  I heard that they broke up afterwards but I don’t know if that’s true.  I was a horrible person to even consider doing that to another woman but I learned my lesson from it.  I hate that kind of person!!

There are a couple of things that were good about it.  I learned that older men can easily manipulate idiots like me…I vowed that I would never go near a man that took drugs again and that I would never go near a man that already had a girlfriend or wife or whatever…and not much later, I found the love of my life.  I wouldn’t have even seen him if things hadn’t ended when they did so I’m thankful for that.  So even though things were bad for me for a while, I got off lightly and I’m the lucky one.  Doesn’t seem fair…


12 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Wow, that was so interesting. I have always wondered how people can do it, so it was fascinating to read about how you just didn’t think about her for such a long time. I’m not going to judge you… you’ve obviously mentally punished yourself enough for this one!

    Thanks for writing this. It was a good read!

  2. 2

    webmiss said,

    Hi there. Thanks for the comment you left on my blog. I’ve always enjoyed reading the notes you leave for Cardiogirl.

    I’ve not read much through your blog yet, but I wanted to ask how many years ago this incidence occurred? Have you forgiven yourself for this incident?

  3. 3

    clairec23 said,

    @ Guilty – Yeah I know what you mean, looking back, I still don’t really understand it myself to be honest.

    @ Webmiss – I’m not too sure exactly, maybe around six years ago. No, I haven’t forgiven myself. It’s not something that deserves forgiveness really… It will always be a black mark on my conscience.

  4. 4

    cardiogirl said,

    Well first Claire, I have to say I am amazed at your honesty and willingness to put this out there. I understand there is a measure of anonymity being on the web and all, but I still think it is incredibly brave to write about this.

    I think everyone has something in their past that they would rather not discuss. I know I have things that I would change and that life has a lot of gray areas — it’s not so black and white.

    It is interesting to hear the thought process and how things started. And I commend you for being so honest. Perhaps just writing it out may help you let go of it for yourself.


  5. 5

    melissa said,

    i believe, good or bad, everything we do, every choice we make…is for a reason. this one, definitely a learning experience. you take with you, how you felt and carry it with you to remind you that you don’t want to be that person. that was an amazing and honest post! i think, despite the fact that it was blogged, it took courage to even tell about it. and, i doubt anyone will judge you for it! you just make people like you more and more! just based upon what i read about you, in your posts and the comments you leave for me, you are a wonderful person and i’m glad that you are one of my blog friends! corny…but, true!
    take care and get yourself feeling better!
    chicken soup! lot’s of chicken soup.

  6. 6

    clairec23 said,

    Thanks Melissa, funnily enough, it’s bloggers like you that make me want to be honest about things…you always say exactly what you are thinking and I love that. Whether we all agree with each other or not, I do like to know where people are coming from. I really did learn a lesson from it, a few lessons in fact because before that, I thought I would never do something like that. I thought I would never fall for someone that wasn’t for me…maybe if he was different, I wouldn’t have. But it’s how things turned out and I’ll always know what I’m capable of. I know people are going to read this and think, that bitch! And they are right but I wanted to write this post also because whenever I say that I don’t think cheating is a good idea, I always feel like people are thinking, oh, she’s only saying that because she’s afraid someone will take her man…but really, it’s because I know how bad the other side can be.

    Cardiogirl – I don’t want to let go of it. I need that reminder that the things I do in life can cause a lot of pain for other people. I hate the thoughts that people I know will read this, but I know some will, maybe not today but at some stage they will. I could never say it all while looking at the expressions on someone’s face change as they take it in, so again, I’m getting the easy way out by writing it down.

  7. 7

    Melissa, a short story in response 2 “always a black mark on my conscience ! K,,, here goes. 4 ur consideration, I was once with someone away from home. I had met her after i was expelled from a private school and literally had no home. Someone was asked 2 take me in. Hell no was the response ! Overhearing that conversation was a bus driver, He said ” I’ll take him” Thru that adoption if u will i gained a cousin. Female. 18 yrs old. Me, I was 17 or so. So I met her & was smitten. Good baptist girl that she thought she was bein, inspite of my ragin hormones, nothin happened. It went latent. 10 or so years later, on the road, near her, that man who took me in died. I held his hand thru the stroke beginning 2 end. I saw her shortly after that, & all that was there before latenly sprang 2 life. Down the road on the harley we went, unbeknownst to my wife. Just before we left, we were butt naked in bed & ready to have at each other. In the middle of this, my conscience whacked me square in the conscience. I couldn’t do it. Down the road we went. In a motel up north, same situation. Ready to go at it. I cSouldn’t. Then she said” I did somethin in my past i can NEVER be forgiven 4. I was floored

  8. 8

    I literally fell over backwards physically on my back. Next i left her room & went next door 2 my room and i prayed, asking that HE, GOD, would release her from this guilt. I went back over 2 her room & prayed w/ her @ this situation. As we prayed togther, if u will, she saw herself in a dark room. Jesus was comin toward the door to open it. That room was the prison of shame, guilt, & condemnation ( her own & other ) She, in this ” picture in the spirit realm ” shrank away from that door as He approached. He opened that door to release her and she tried to slink away into a dark corner of more guilt. He took the door off the hinges and light flooded that room. Her guilt was released and shame followed it. Gone. I am soon 2 see her again 10 + yrs after this happened. I was told recently she has a ” terminal ” disease currently in remission. The ” moral ” of this story? If u wish 2 know more I would guess u might know that. I am willing to fill in some of those details at a time of ur choosing via this net thing. Forgiveness, Peace, Joy. The power of forgiveness into the deepest of the dark of the human spirit and thusly the soul. I dunno, maybe u would choose this as an outcome & 2 all those who might read this. Just maybe. If so, so be it USA

  9. 9

    Kate said,

    That’s an amazingly honest post! You were brave to share it. I really wouldn’t judge you for it, you were young (and by the sounds of it feeling quite vulnerable). Lets face it, we all do daft things when we are young and sometimes when we’re not so young.

  10. 10

    clairec23 said,

    I was pretty vulnerable but that’s no excuse. I think I was surprised that it was so easy for it to happen. It was always the kind of thing that I thought I wouldn’t do. Just goes to show what can happen when the wrong person comes along at the wrong time – daft is a good word for me back then 🙂

  11. 11

    antibarbie said,

    I never cheated but long ago when I was 19 or 20 I had a very intense emotional affair with a friend’s boyfriend, so I guess that makes me an other woman. I really didn’t feel too bad about it at the time because she cheated on him constantly and treated him terribly in front of everyone. Things ended when he threw me under a bus after she grew jealous of me and gave him an ultimatum.

    After it was over I felt really disgusted with myself. I would never travel down that path again. From what I hear they have a child together now, are serial cheaters that break up with each other all the time and both have been arrested for domestic abuse. I am glad I got away from all that dysfunction when I did.

    It’s amazing that this guy had a girlfriend at home but was mad that you were kissing another guy. Like you are supposed to put your life on hold for someone who doesn’t want a future with you… Talk about entitlement issues.

  12. 12

    clairec23 said,

    You’re another lucky one 🙂 They sound like a crazy couple. Dysfunction seems to breed, who knows what might have happened if you had been caught in that situation for longer. People like that always seem to drag other people into their madness. I pity the child, that’s all I can say.

    Mine started off as a completely emotional affair – at the time I doubt I even knew what that meant though. It creates a lot more hurt for everyone. Although I doubt it was emotional for him.

    Yeah, I know, if somebody else told me that I’d be like are you kidding me?? The thing is I knew exactly what his reaction would be and that was the sole reason I did it. He had to be the one to make things end, not me. I couldn’t trust myself to say no to this man. I know that sounds ridiculous now but at the time I’d constantly say to him over the phone, that’s it, it’s over. I’d promise myself that would be it. Then I’d see him and he’d sweet talk me and I’d be wrapped right back around that little finger. I’m disgusted at myself for making it so easy for him. If I could go back in time, I would slap myself for being so stupid!

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