I Hate Jokers

I’m not a big fan of practical jokes.  I like jokes.  Just not practical ones.  That’s why it’s so surprising that myself and Mr. Claire ever got together.  He is a giant child.  He jumps out at me from behind doors to scare me.  Leaves fake spiders lying around.  Gets all imaginative and constantly thinks of new ways to freak me out.  He also lies.  He tells me stories and I go, seriously?  And he laughs, saying, no, of course not!  Arsehole.

Thinking back to our first few months together, I really don’t know how I put up with him.  One day he rang me up in a really weak, pathetic voice and told me he had been knocked down by a car on his way to work and was in hospital.  I was completely freaked out and he waited until I was on my way out the door to visit him before he started laughing his bollox off.  Toerag.

On our first day…I must tell you that story sometime, it’s an odd one…we had been to the pictures and erm, got together before having something to eat together.  He was in work that night so we didn’t have long left together.  I was 19 at the time.  He puts on this really guilty looking face and stares at me.



“I have something to tell you…”

Uh-Oh.  “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry.  But.  I’m only 16.”

“Excuse me, what did you just say?”

“I’m only 16…”

“Are you taking the piss?”

He shakes his head mournfully.  I throw up in my mouth a little.

“What?   WHAT?!”

“I”m sorry…”

 I have tears in my eyes at this stage.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were only 16?!”

“Everybody lies about their age.  I thought you did too.  Are you sure you’re 19?  You look very young.”

I showed him my i.d.  I kept waiting for him to say it was a joke.  But he didn’t.  And all I could think of was, he can’t be 16, he has man hands!  I felt so sick.  I was crying.  He had this wierd look on his face and I didn’t know what to do.  16?  Gross!!  I can’t express just how horrified I was.  My younger brother was 16.  He had lots of 16 year old friends.  The thoughts of going out with someone that age was completely sickening.  He had to go so I walked him to his bus stop because I couldn’t let a kid wander around town alone, right?

We get to the bus stop and he starts laughing.  He falls around the place laughing.  There is such a look of unbridled glee on his face that I just stand there in silence waiting for him to finish.  “I’m not 16, you idiot!  Haha the look on your face!  That was classic!”

I tried to glare at him, tried to force myself to punch him in the face but the truth was I was so relieved that I hadn’t gone out with a 16 year old that I couldn’t be angry at him.  Although I did make him show me his i.d.  I never really believed that he was 19 until I saw his passport a year later.  Only then did I really feel secure about it 😉  For the record, he loves reminding me of that story, telling other people about that story and claiming that he is my toyboy.  He’s younger than me by five months and that story still makes me feel sick…He’s such an arsehole 🙂


9 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    bluesleepy said,

    OMG!!! This is HILARIOUS!! Although let it be known I am not laughing at YOU. You have to admit it looks pretty effing hilarious in print! 😉

    I hate jokers too. I couldn’t live with Mr C. I hate it when people tell me something, and I believe them, and then I look like an idiot because I believe them. It’s one of my major “phobias,” if you will.

    I can’t watch Candid Camera on tv. It just drives me crazy that the show makes people look like idiots, and I feel so bad for them. I’m just weird, I uess.

  2. 2

    Terri said,

    Holy cow. I snorted when I laughed and spewed coffee all down the front of me! LOL I had to go change!

  3. 3

    clairec23 said,

    That’s freaky, I was just looking for your blog! I had loaded up a diaryland link that didn’t work (must be an old one) and was a bit stumped then straight away you left a comment here. Wierd…:) Sorry about your clothes.

    Blue, I replied to your comment on the new blog, sorry 🙂

  4. 4

    I hate practical jokes too! I get so cross when Baddie jumps out on me to scare me. Actually he hasn’t done that for a while… maybe he got the message!

  5. 5

    clairec23 said,

    I get annoyed too, I hate getting frights like that, I keep telling him I’m going to have a heart attack one of these days!

  6. 6

    Elle said,

    No practical joking allowed in my world. One of my scariest moments is when my college friends set up this elaborate scheme to kidnap me from my job and take me out for my birthday. I mean, they pulled up, put a bag over my head and threw me into a car. No shit. I was completely at sea, at first, I was saying, is this a joke, guys, let me out… and they didn’t and they didn’t and didn’t. They let me sit in the car like they really were kidnappers for what seems like a million years. and finally did let me out of the freaking bag before I pissed myself or became incoherent. Whew. I was mad for about an hour and two drinks. Okay, I’m still a little mad a zillion years later.

  7. 7

    clairec23 said,

    I would be mad forever! wft?! That sounds horrible! I hope to feck that Mr. Claire wouldn’t go that far with me…you must have been terrified, the shet bags! 😉

  8. 8

    Susan said,

    I LOVE this post!! I thought I was such a humourless git because I hate practical jokes too.

    And I’m also married to a Big Irish Liar. (Call him ‘Bil’ he hates it, ha ha) He could drop your best china into a million bits right at your feet, and when you looked up at him, he’d say,
    “What. Wasn’t me.”


  9. 9

    clairec23 said,

    Ha Susan, I know what that’s like. He’d lie about anything at all as long as he thought it would get him out of trouble. Eejit.

    Practical jokes are horrible! So cruel and mean most of the time, sadistic sods, these jokers 🙂

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